Chemistry isn’t everything
Relationships can be hard. We don’t always get them right. Healthy, long-lasting personal and romantic relationships take work. They require mutual respect, open communication, intimacy and trust to thrive. If any of these ingredients are missing things can fall apart, fast.
When an intimate relationship ends it can feel cataclysmic, or conversely, liberating. Often people experience a complex entanglement of emotions — elation and devastation — changing from one moment to the next.
About 60 per cent of adults in Australia are married or in a partnership, and the average length lasts just over 12 years. While one-in-three marriages end in divorce, the rates are, encouragingly, lower than two decades ago. However, during the pandemic mounting stress has led to more couples separating.
The true impact of the pandemic on relationships won’t be reflected in the data for some time yet. It’s common for couples to get back together after a period of separation. About 50 per cent of breakups lead to reunion. In many ways it makes sense. Time apart can provide an opportunity for clarity and personal development.
Plus, realising that the grass isn’t always greener can bring couples back together. But our basic needs are changing and we’re now living longer, too. On average, life expectancy in Australia has climbed from 71 years in the 1970s, to 83.8 years in 2022 — that’s about 65 years of potential partnership.
Relationships are as dynamic as the people in them. It’s unrealistic to expect that all our needs will be fulfilled by one person, forever. The very notion of one — the one — is flawed.
Social psychologist and researcher Hugh Mackay's poignant remarks are a closer representation of the truth: “Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.”
People — typically the Gen X, Y and Zs — are no longer settling for relationships that don’t fulfil their intimate psychological, emotional and spiritual needs. And shorter, and more frequent, trysts are also forming part of people’s soul-searching journey.
We all have a different version of what a “good” relationship is, and chemistry only gets you so far. Don’t get me wrong, physical and intellectual attraction are important. Lifestyle matters, too. But more than anything, what we all want is to be understood and accepted for who we are. We want our partners to “get” us, right into the core.
For many, a healthy sense of self-awareness, willingness to own your mistakes and taking personal responsibility are becoming prerequisites for romantic connections. Relationships act as a mirror and, if you’re willing to explore your inner world, they can be a powerful container for transformation. Our partner is a reflection of us. They can show us where our healing and growth lies, and where we’ve put up walls in an attempt to keep ourselves safe.
In any relationship, especially an intimate one, you must remember two things: know, communicate and stick by your boundaries; and never compromise on your values. You are the most important person in your life and it’s not worth losing yourself in or for someone else. Fill your life with people that feel like sunshine on a rainy day, and those that are willing to weather the storm with you, together as a team.
And if you’re sailing through rough waters now, make sure you’ve got good support around you. Relationships can be bumpy. It’s OK for them to change and dissolve. But good ones — good people — are worth holding on to. They make the journey and the challenges worthwhile.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277
This article was first published in The West Australian in Renée Gardiner’s weekly column in Agenda, 19 March 2022.